I’ve been going through a tough time lately. It probably started around January and regrettably is still lingering around. What happened? Well the best way I can put it is that a certain part of myself has gone into hiding– or at least I hope it’s hiding and not lost!! I have seem to forgotten my once constant reassurance that everything is going to be ok. I clearly remember still possessing it in first year of naturopathic school, telling my intern that despite not sleeping well and feeling stressed at times that I KNEW that somehow everything would turn out well and I would be everything I wanted to be. Even before this, growing up I just had this unwavering belief that if I tried hard enough and reached the goals I set out for myself then again, everything would be peachy-keen. But, one day I woke up and this positive core belief that I once possessed, did not wake up with me, and I’ve not felt like myself ever since. I recall my instructor from holistic counselling, Dr. Moshe Daniel Block, mentioning that the word FEAR is really ‘forgetting everything’s all right’. To me, this is an accurate description of the word in relation to what I am going through. I do feel constantly fearful in a sense — fearful about debt, about health, about my future, in essence about my survival. This fear makes every little thing seems so overwhelming which can sometimes lead me to a state of feeling “paralyzed” — or at least my version of it: avoiding everything while binge watching netflix, sleeping incessantly, avoiding exercise and social contact, and eating all the food I shouldn’t. Additionally, this state that I have been in makes me feel like a failure. Last year I felt as if I was successfully balancing all the aspects of my life, but now it’s as if I can’t keep up socially with any of my friends, I’ve developed some sort of “wall” that prevents me from getting to the gym and I went part time at my academic institution. It’s really doing a number to my self-esteem; also sending me down occasional negative thought spirals of “what do I bring to the profession? Do I stand out amongst my colleagues? Is anyone else feeling like this? Am I good enough?” etc. Is this whole mess due to burn out? an identity crisis? poor cooping skill? growing up? who knows, but I’m hoping that taking steps to help myself by seeing an intern, and taking advantage of going part-time will let me know and get me feeling better.
I realize that this does seem like a very personal post to put out on the inter-webs, and normally I wouldn’t want to reveal something like this but I know that when I started feeling like this, and even now, that I just wanted to know that I wasn’t alone. That others were experiencing perhaps the same fears or, to know that those who had felt this way had indeed overcome this hurdle. So perhaps, someone is going through this, and reading this will help them know they are not alone, and that hopefully we can all try to get back on our respective horses together.